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Sunday, February 1, 2015

An open letter to John Boehner and Mitch McConnell

John, love the tan.

Mitch, I am pretty sure there is a surgery that can fix that.

Listen, guys, it isn't that hard.  Conservatives have a message of personal responsibility and limited government.  I know that it doesn't sound exactly like the democrat message, "free puppies for everyone!"  But, surely you can make it sound more palatable than you do.

Here are my tips, and I won't even charge you (even though I pay you a handsome salary.)

If you have a 30 second spot, say this:

"In America, we will always take care of those people who are unable to take care of themselves.  However, taxing the rich doesn't work.  Has it worked for the past 6 years?  Every additional tax dollar is a dollar that comes out of the pocket of an AMERICAN and goes into the pocket of a WASHINGTON BUREAUCRAT.  Is that what you really want?  These taxes hurt small businesses, the backbone of our economy, who can't grow and hire new people.

Lowering taxes gets the economy moving (cue emotionally happy music) small businesses can hire more people and provide more goods and services for our economy.  When Reagan came into office and slashed Jimmy Carter's punitive tax rates (see how we are drawing parallels there, boys?) the economy flourished, even government revenues increased."

Guys, almost all of my friends are liberal.  You gotta figure out a way to say this stuff without sounding like, well, you.  ALL of my liberals friends that I have talked to are fed up with the president.  Even ones that want liberal ideas, like free stuff for poor people, can see that they can't afford to pay anymore.  So, if you get a few more seconds for your soundbite, say this:

"Raising taxes hurts everyone.  Can you honestly pay anymore in taxes?  We need to stop talking about raising taxes and talk about meaningful tax cuts so that America can get back to work.  That helps everyone.  In 1996 when we reformed welfare, millions of people found jobs.  Propping someone up in comfortable, government-run poverty locks them in.  Legislating higher wages hurts the working poor.  They not only don't get a raise, they lose their jobs.  Why would you even listen to someone who wants to give you the minimum?  This is America!  Work hard and you can achieve the maximum!  We are not the party that wants people to have the least, we want people to get the most.  And, we can do that if we cut taxes, roll back Obama's job-strangling regulation, get the EPA out of the energy-killing business and repeal Obamacare which has achieved nothing short of destroying the greatest healthcare system the world has ever known."

When you get ripped apart by the press, channel that "I-am-gracious" smile and keep repeating the same points.

Ok?

Got it?

You can see many more helpful tips on my blog.

Seriously, guys, get out there and sell this.

Sheesh.